9Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I guess everyone who has tagged on my blog over the past few days are right. I don't need to care right? I don't. Thank you for your encouragements. Really.

I've been feeling better these days after I've started pouring out my woes. At least I don't have so much in my head anymore. The burgeoning pain has begin to recede. I can breathe.

It's time to stop being naive in life. I guess possessing dignity surpasses every other human trait (well, maybe compassion is one other too). Gossips, they're just an endless thorn to perhaps everyone's ass; they're inevitable. We just have to turn a deaf ear; a blind eye and as long as they aren't true, i'll just walk on with my life. Besides, quelling rumours just aggravats the entire affair, am i right?

So, I guess Bart is right. We all have a life to live. We have to remain focused in what we do. There's no point in whining over lies and whatnots.

As for friends, i'll keep it simple for now on. If it's meant to be, then it shall and vice-versa. AND, yes, i'll do a better job as a friend like wise. I've said before i've a rather poor record of mantaining friendships. I just have to start being a better person, not fuss over a friendship, but the friend in that friendship. It's a whole lot different.

I hope you all will have some faith in me. I'll take a few steps at a time, but i'll be there one day.

=)
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9Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Buzz Off!

My life isn't a tabloid. I just want my privacy. Stop gossiping about me. Page 3, Winston does this... Page 12, Winston is that... Page 45, Winston is whatever!

I just realized that my life's story has been a lie. I reckon 3/4 of my poly friends don't even know who I really am. They only see what they hear =| I've heard it all, I'm a fake, I'm a flirt, I'm gay, I'm a playboy, I'm a toyboy, etc. I have ears la, I'm not AS BLUR a you all think. Stop mouthing me behind my back.

I can't seem to trust anyone. Anyway, I don't mean alot to them, or maybe, I just wasn't good enough. Poly was sort of a bitter sweet story. I've had my wonderful moments, real friendships that I forged, friendships I wouldn't sacrifice, but there were friendships that I just didn't do enough, friendships that I let drown. I have many friends, all merely acquaintances. It's sad, cause all my conversations were just on the surface, nothing further than an inch. No one wanted to share more with me, because I couldn't be trusted or I was weird, posessing ulterior motives. I will never know. I don't want to know.

It's my fault I guess. I should have tried harder. From my classmates, school mates, society, ambassadors and fellow np'ians who know of my (negative) exploits... I shouldn't have been a mystery to everyone. I should have been more transparent and honest. Yea.

Well, new chapter of my life, I'll leave behind an experience I've learnt alot from. True friends are far from few, cherish them. Jerks and other whatnots, whatever.

Striving on for a new and better tomorrow.
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9Sunday, September 23, 2007

Well, I finally did muster up the effort to blog once again. It's still pretty much dead though. I'll leave it this way for now. I'm sorry if there isn't an MV up. (although I guess no one bothers about them too)

Yes, it's been a long while since I've cleared the cobwebs, but then again, this may be the last time I'm going to blog before I begin my stint in the army, so I'll leave spring cleaning till BMT's over.

It's rather unfortunate though, that I'm blogging while I'm having one of those miserable days where you feel the whole world's just out to eat you up.

I've always been a positive person. I was never fond of being the least pessimistic. I thought life is just too short to be miserable with. I'd want to spend each single day with the utmost bliss and joy that I can possibly wring out.

It pains me to say that optimism is just a mere opinion, it's not a fact. Sometimes reality just hits, and it hits you hard. All the principles that I have so long fought for and believed in, I see them all crumbling in ruins.

Everyday we face our fears, our problems and it's our courage and faith that is put to the test. I've faced uncertainties countless times, every bloody single day. I've been assailed to the extent where the soles of my shoes have worn thin.

I try to so hard you know, and what for? To benefit myself? NO. Never. I just realized that for this past year, I've been living for everyone else. I haven't been living for myself. I want to bring a smile to the people around me. I believed in true friendship and true love. I wanted people to see that anything's possible, just as long as you stayed optimistic in life.

I've realized it's near possible to do so, well, on my part that is. I can't even explain myself. Everyone's just too miserable with their own lives. We never appreciate what they have. We always want more. Greed.

PLASTIC, SUPERFICIAL, etc. I see those bloody words every single day. We always complain of people being fake and not real. I think it's just something that's inevitable. All we do is talk about it and never really do anything about. Every, single, one, of, us.

Besides, if you want to be fake me with me, do it right. Don't be lousy at it. I'll still be your friend but I'll be intruiged to see how you'll fare ten yours down the road. Just live a lie, you'll just realize that you can't stop and at the end of your life, you realize you've never really lived, because your life has been a lie.

Urgh, sorry, I just had to type the paragraph above. I don't know why. Spite, I guess.

Perhaps it's just the matter of trust I guess and from my experiences, trust is sacred. Few have earned it, many have tried but failed. It's best to trust yourself. I have no other explainations. Do enlighten me if you have one.

I don't even want to know how people see me. I've been called a liar, a flirt, a playboy, a cheat, a fucktard, an asshole, etc. I don't know. Amusingly, half of the people who brand me don't even know me, How intruiging. Either they have nothing better to do or they just LOVE to make people's life miserable. Baah!

That's why I HATE, DESPISE, LOATHE the social circle. I'm like my mom I guess. I see her so happy all the time, that's because she's always in the company of the people who means the most to her, the people she loves. The only difference is that I try to extend myself to everyone I know.

Well, like I said, it doesn't work. Being nice just doesn't cut it. I get myself into a hell hole of shit and I FUCKING abhor it. It's not worth it.

I'm just disappointed. That's all. We all just collapse sometimes, without a reason. I'm just at the brink of it.

I just really wish one day people can just really believe in Hakuna Matata (it means no worries), appreciate what they have and be more respectful to the people around them.

Anyway, I don't want to be troubled with any more unecessary worries. I'll stop living for everyone else for a chance. I think I'll live for myself this once and we'll see how things go. I need to heal myself.

I have lots to rectify. I've neglected my family. They've been the wings bounded to me. Without them, I would just tumble from the sky. Without them, I wouldn't be me.

I've neglected some of my friends too. I've always been keen on making friends but I realized that for the ones who are never played an active part of my life, they are left behind. It isn't right. Some of them really mean alot to me. They've alway been there but I never was. I was too busy with everything else. I have many apologies to provide and severed trusts to mend. I hope I still have a chance. I'm sorry.

I know I'm lucky than most people. I have many luxuries and opportunities everyone would just dream of, and I take it for granted most of the time. That has to change.

I have a future that needs more attention. I have to be frank, I see myself in the family business. It's no big joke people tell me, I know it isn't. An organization that would be probably number into billions of dollars, I'm scared shit. I see my mom and dad handling millions of dollars every day, I just feel feint.

I have to prove to alot of people that I can do it. I know I want to do it, I just thought I never had the opportunities to prove myself. I realized, I will never get opportunities, I have to create them. I know I will.

Back to my life, I remember saying to myself that I need to step out of my comfort zone and experience life. I've done that I guess. I've tested the waters and I guess I'm not ready for it. I prefer being with myself for now.

I hope that by taking a step back, I can see this whole picture more clearly. I won't crawl back into my shell though, that's just plain cowardice. Just one step back is suffice and when I'm ready, I'll take a leap forward.

A BIG ONE.

i've wounded myself, just leave me alone for now. I'll be ok, i promise.
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