9Monday, November 26, 2007

I've been communicating with my parents a lot lately. I feel so happy that that we're able to bolt down barriers and be honest with ourselves. It's usually very hard for kids and their parents to have frank talks. We always disagree with almost everything.

It's been hard for me to open up to my mom and dad but when i did it eventually, i felt so much better. I know some of us take our parents for granted, and frankly i know some of you guys don't really have a positive relationship with their parents, perhaps due to a falling out.

What i've learned in life is that your parents or perhaps your family is the most important thing that you can have in this world. Of course, to me, friends come a close second. For those who are lucky enough to have intact families, the more you should be able to communicate with your loved ones because i have so many friends who do not have a father, a mother, and some, no parents at all.

I've always had a good relationship with my mother. She's sort of become a friend to me over the years. I tell her everything and she always listens to what i have to say before she gives an opinion. I guess most of the guys from my generation still have parents who are traditional in their values and mentality. Children will always be children, our more conservative parents won't ever understand us and will never be able to come to an agreement with their sometimes more liberal children.

I guess it takes a little effort to make that connection. I used to didn't bother. Ever since i started to become a teenager, i stopped communicating with my mother, and only come to her when i really need her or to collect my allowance. It's sad and i guess my mom could also feel that I was distancing from her.

But then, it just happened. All the guilt finally came rushing back into me when my mom broke down one day. I didn't know what happened until i realized that she had been suffering from depression for quite sometime and it just dawned on me that i was simply taking my mother for granted; i didn't even know she was ill. And, that was when i begun to try and find out more about my mother, her life, like as if i'm getting acquainted with a stranger. It was rather awkward at first but i finally found a friend in my mother.

I stood by her during her turmoil. I accompanied her to psychiatric appointments and just talked to her whenever i could. I would check up on her and see how she fared once in a while. I was so glad that she was getting better and I could see a more radiant face compared to a sullen one before. I felt great too.

After that was over, my mom started to get her life back. You know, my mom gave up her job when i was born and became a full-time mother. She forsook her very own career to secure the future for her children and i never knew that until recently, for that i am grateful to my mom. Today, she's a high flyer, a partner to Singapore's top fashion designer, helping my dad in running the family business, being a faithful wife and mother and still having time to make her own jewelry. I really respect my mother.

My dad, he's always been the authoritative figure in the house. I still remember getting whacked by the rottan from him when I was still young. Memories. I was never close to my dad to begin with. I always saw him as a tyrant! He would also scold me until I got used to it. Haha. It was of course, much later in life I knew he was doing it for my very own good. Haha, so cliché.

I know my dad loves me very much. No matter how much he chides me, he’ll always reason with me and tell why I’m wrong and I learn from all my mistakes. I never regret having long talking sessions with my dad, although, ha-ha, he’s sometimes rather long-winded!

Oh, just recently, I found out a lighter side to my father. All along I never saw my dad smile or laugh, other than for the camera. He’s exactly like me, with a serious persona. Haha. But just in recent times, I began to start communicating with my dad and I saw various types of emotions from my dad that I could never possibly imagine. It amazed me. Anyway, my dad has become considerably closer to his two sons.

My dad’s a firm, fair and brilliant person, yet, like everyone who has a hard exterior, he has a soft side to him too. He likes to joke about everything and he’s always so light-hearted with his friends and when it comes to work, he is decisive and work means work. My dad's the CEO of a major conglomerate and with a business that involves exorbitant amounts of money, it isn't very easy to manage because there are so many things to consider. Leading the business, understanding the employees, pleasing the shareholders and managing the operations. I’ve seen him make many difficult decisions in life and yet, he still pulls through.

So, what’s the most important thing I’ve learnt from my parents? Well, for me, I learnt three things, and that is to be humble, compassionate and ever so persevering. I’ve learned that since I was very young. What you have, don’t flaunt it. I never believe in showing off what I have to people. You’ll just get a lot of flak. Haha. My family has always been low-profile and it’s great. Sometimes, when you’re in the limelight, life isn’t very easy. Everyone’s picking on you every single minute.

Being appreciative in this world is important. So many people are lacking of appreciation that it hardly comes by. Easily said, i learnt about compassion. How you treat people, it has to be genuine and it must come from the heart. It's the most difficult thing to achieve because youcan't learn it, you have to feel it.

Perseverance. I don't have to explain i guess. Everyone knows what it means. Just never say die, simply. Don't ever give up, because life's too short for you to do that.

The values that your parents impart to you are life-long skills that come from many years of experience. Live by them and if you don’t agree, just keep them somewhere in your brain. Haha
So, why don’t you start communicating with your parents more once in a while? Have breakfast with them in the morning, try to have occasional family dinners or perhaps find sometime to just sit down, have a cup of cocoa and just chat with your mom or dad at night instead of going back into your room.

You’ll realize at the end of the day that you’ll be coming home everyday to a much more warmer and comforting home. I love my family and nothing can steal that happiness away from me.
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9Saturday, November 24, 2007

Being impervious or, how do you say it, thick-skinned really works, somehow!

I've begun to stop thinking less of negativity and i'm just enjoying being happy and a little more carefree. What people say about me, what dislikes and qualms they have over what i do, i don't have to care! They aren't significant in my life, and i don't have to please them or whatsoever. They're probably just jealous because they don't have what i have, a wonderful family, great friends and a happily ever after!

Btw, i just want to thank for the support and advices i've received from you guys who've tagged or simply browse through my rather emotionally eratic blog. I'm sure, that'll come to a stop too.

When i have the time, i'll breathe into this blog new life. It's way overdued and besides, the current skin doesn't really cut it out, i don't want you to piss off! Haha. I welcome everyone!
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9Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I saw a shrink (psychiatrist) yesterday. What's new?

No, I’m not going crazy, it's just my way of finding myself once again, in the midst of all the chaos that's going through my mind.

NS. It's barely a month since I enlisted into the army and I’m literally breaking apart. No, it isn't all the physical and mental straining that's got to me, but, perhaps it's this last pressure point that's unbolted the final flood gates and pushed me over my culmination point.

I once knew a boy who believed in optimism and a world where good still prevailed. As long as there was a thought of hope in mind, it was achievable. He sang to a simple mantra, dream big, nothing’s impossible.

Perhaps, it was because he had a fortunate and privileged childhood. He grew up in an environment where everything was simple; there was no fear, no sadness, and no misery to think about. His parents were always there behind him and everything was provided for. He was taught to live my life to the fullest and just be happy because life’s just too short to be serious about.

The boy lived a palace though. He was locked inside for his own protection, shielded from reality, until one day, he grew up and left home to see the world.

He explored the world to see what wonderment it had in store for him. However, in the first few days of his adventure, he couldn’t find what he was looking for, yet, he still prevailed. But as days became months, and months became years, he began to truly see the world as it is. He lost hope in himself. He lost hope with his very virtues. He lost hope with everything.

I’ve become that boy. I lost my sense of purpose in life. I couldn’t my way back on to the path of my journey in life.

The day I grew up, I started becoming aware of my surroundings. You don’t realize it do you, it’s a process a teenager has to go through, maybe not now for some of you guys, but trust me, eventually you’ll go through that phase.

As little starlings, we emanate purity, innocence and simplicity. We all have our dreams to contribute to mankind, to this world. There’s so many of us and as we journey into the unknown, we face obstacles and that’s when we pass through the meteor shower and where most starlings lose their ways and become white dwarves, lost of all their shimmer, barely a glow left.

Over the past year or so, I lost my optimism in life. I experienced reality, or in my dictionary, perceived reality. I tried to share what’s good there is in life but I was disappointed, no one really cared. What happened to our values? What happened to the simple meaning of happiness in life? My generation is limping on its side. It’s a mess. Or was it not? Maybe, I was just paranoid.

It didn’t matter at first, I found people who shared my beliefs and I was contented until I became one of them. Perhaps it was curiosity, but I knew I was tainted too. All the vices of the world, it felt great to enjoy them. To hate, to deceive, to harm. I did all of those and many more. It was terrible.

My mind was fighting my actions; I couldn’t even comprehend the chaos that was within me.

I began thinking too much, paranoid to say the least. Yes, I finally admitted I was paranoid. I was afraid of how people would think of me, how they would hate or hurt me, or whatever else I could think of. In order to stay one step ahead of my paranoia, I began to observe and judge people. I became very good at that. I only mingled with people I felt safe with. I started to cage myself and that’s how my serious persona came about.

Being meticulous became the solution to my paranoia. One prime example was me trying so hard to please the people around me. I lost my ability to be aggressive too. I just went with the flow, no mind of my own, and no more identity. Whenever, I went out with my friends, it was always whatever you want. Too nice for a wrong cause. And so, my respect was lost at the same time. Winston was just a former shadow of himself. I was totally unnecessary, and it became my weakness, the backdoor of my firewall. I crumbled, naturally.

I came to a point where I had an identity crisis. I couldn’t even recognize myself, disgusted. I was being so emotional with myself. I hadn’t become what I had promised myself to be when I first faced this world.

My ambitions in life came to a screeching halt. I lost all hope in life. I tried to find the easy way out in everything because it didn’t matter anymore.

Stress soon found me and crept into all my nerves. I’ve never been susceptible to stress, because I’ve always had a good and firm hold of myself. My beliefs kept me steady and that was how I pushed on no matter how hard it was. With my beliefs gone, stress overwhelmed me because all I could think was, I can’t do it.

So, as an epic battle between good and evil waged in within me, I was conscripted. I had a wonderful time in my first few weeks, I was getting away from life until I began to fall sick and I was plagued with a hell load of nonsense. I fell behind my peers and my condition didn’t improve. I started feeling stressed out by all the nonsense. I became a victim of the army. The sick did got left behind. Ironic isn’t it. Whatever happened to camaraderie and care for soldiers.

I also couldn’t understand why logic or reason didn’t play a part in the army. In the army, 1 + 1 was 3. No argue. I understood how the army worked. There was no questioning, but it wasn’t me who didn’t understand, it was my mind who couldn’t compute.

So, I cracked. Everything just flowed out like as if a dam broke. I think no one in camp knew how much I was suffering. Being ill both physically and mentally at the same time while being tested to the limits was excruciating.

So, everything that I had stored in within myself all these years, I vaulted them out too. I began to do some soul-searching and with a little help from the people around me who well, were oblivious to all my pent up emotions all these while, I started to ease myself and I’m not starting to find my way back on my journey.

It’s going to be a tough journey. After so much confusion, all the anguish in my past entries, all my bliss and joy, I’ve began to understand the significance between good and bad and how great humans who have walked the earths fall and stand up again. Yes, life’s too short to complain about. I’m going to be man.

Well, I don’t really think everybody or perhaps anybody has read until here so far, but if you do, thank you. I just want to pose a question to my readers, if you’re a teenager, have you decided clearly of what you’re going to do in lifer and how you’re going to do it? If you did, then good, if you haven’t you’d better do it soon before it gets too late, or worse, become what I was.

It’s high time you took control of life and don’t merely let fate, religion or what society tell you what to do. All they can do is influence you. You live own life godamnit! You have nobody to answer for, maybe except your parents so what I’m also trying to say is, think about your future as how you yourself want it to be. Don’t think of practicality, think of your passion. Keep your dreams pure and went you get swayed from your journey, fight it back hard. Just give it all your might, no one and no one can tell you what to do! And, if you’ve realized that, you’ll have nothing to worry about.

NS is the beginning of a new phase in my life. Yes, I’ve had a lot of bumps along the way. I’ve faced trivial situations alongside life-altering ones. I’ve seen a lot but there’s still so much more in life I’ve yet to experience. I’m going to start to challenge myself. I’ll give any problem that comes my way a shot. I won’t evade them or engage them half-heartedly and regret at the end of the day, because my goal is clear. At the end of the day, there is only one destination and I’ll get there no matter what.

So, to all my dear friends who are experiencing a low time in your life, or whenever you feel that things are not going your own way, close your eyes and reflect, think of yourself as that starling that’s shimmering ever so brightly in the darkness of space. You are your own story and adventure, so you decide how you’re going to live your life.

I know my parents will read this entry, so, thank you guys for all the guidance you’ve imparted to me and the sacrifice you’ve made for me. I am eternally gratefully for that and I won’t fail you in life.

Watch out world, I’m coming your way!
Ok, ok, one step at a time...

(because i really believe there's still some good left in this world)

note: omg, after re-reading my entry, i just realized how cheesy and long-winded i can get while i'm in blogging-mode. haha, but that's just me. i'll keep the entry this way. no editing.
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