9Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I saw a shrink (psychiatrist) yesterday. What's new?

No, I’m not going crazy, it's just my way of finding myself once again, in the midst of all the chaos that's going through my mind.

NS. It's barely a month since I enlisted into the army and I’m literally breaking apart. No, it isn't all the physical and mental straining that's got to me, but, perhaps it's this last pressure point that's unbolted the final flood gates and pushed me over my culmination point.

I once knew a boy who believed in optimism and a world where good still prevailed. As long as there was a thought of hope in mind, it was achievable. He sang to a simple mantra, dream big, nothing’s impossible.

Perhaps, it was because he had a fortunate and privileged childhood. He grew up in an environment where everything was simple; there was no fear, no sadness, and no misery to think about. His parents were always there behind him and everything was provided for. He was taught to live my life to the fullest and just be happy because life’s just too short to be serious about.

The boy lived a palace though. He was locked inside for his own protection, shielded from reality, until one day, he grew up and left home to see the world.

He explored the world to see what wonderment it had in store for him. However, in the first few days of his adventure, he couldn’t find what he was looking for, yet, he still prevailed. But as days became months, and months became years, he began to truly see the world as it is. He lost hope in himself. He lost hope with his very virtues. He lost hope with everything.

I’ve become that boy. I lost my sense of purpose in life. I couldn’t my way back on to the path of my journey in life.

The day I grew up, I started becoming aware of my surroundings. You don’t realize it do you, it’s a process a teenager has to go through, maybe not now for some of you guys, but trust me, eventually you’ll go through that phase.

As little starlings, we emanate purity, innocence and simplicity. We all have our dreams to contribute to mankind, to this world. There’s so many of us and as we journey into the unknown, we face obstacles and that’s when we pass through the meteor shower and where most starlings lose their ways and become white dwarves, lost of all their shimmer, barely a glow left.

Over the past year or so, I lost my optimism in life. I experienced reality, or in my dictionary, perceived reality. I tried to share what’s good there is in life but I was disappointed, no one really cared. What happened to our values? What happened to the simple meaning of happiness in life? My generation is limping on its side. It’s a mess. Or was it not? Maybe, I was just paranoid.

It didn’t matter at first, I found people who shared my beliefs and I was contented until I became one of them. Perhaps it was curiosity, but I knew I was tainted too. All the vices of the world, it felt great to enjoy them. To hate, to deceive, to harm. I did all of those and many more. It was terrible.

My mind was fighting my actions; I couldn’t even comprehend the chaos that was within me.

I began thinking too much, paranoid to say the least. Yes, I finally admitted I was paranoid. I was afraid of how people would think of me, how they would hate or hurt me, or whatever else I could think of. In order to stay one step ahead of my paranoia, I began to observe and judge people. I became very good at that. I only mingled with people I felt safe with. I started to cage myself and that’s how my serious persona came about.

Being meticulous became the solution to my paranoia. One prime example was me trying so hard to please the people around me. I lost my ability to be aggressive too. I just went with the flow, no mind of my own, and no more identity. Whenever, I went out with my friends, it was always whatever you want. Too nice for a wrong cause. And so, my respect was lost at the same time. Winston was just a former shadow of himself. I was totally unnecessary, and it became my weakness, the backdoor of my firewall. I crumbled, naturally.

I came to a point where I had an identity crisis. I couldn’t even recognize myself, disgusted. I was being so emotional with myself. I hadn’t become what I had promised myself to be when I first faced this world.

My ambitions in life came to a screeching halt. I lost all hope in life. I tried to find the easy way out in everything because it didn’t matter anymore.

Stress soon found me and crept into all my nerves. I’ve never been susceptible to stress, because I’ve always had a good and firm hold of myself. My beliefs kept me steady and that was how I pushed on no matter how hard it was. With my beliefs gone, stress overwhelmed me because all I could think was, I can’t do it.

So, as an epic battle between good and evil waged in within me, I was conscripted. I had a wonderful time in my first few weeks, I was getting away from life until I began to fall sick and I was plagued with a hell load of nonsense. I fell behind my peers and my condition didn’t improve. I started feeling stressed out by all the nonsense. I became a victim of the army. The sick did got left behind. Ironic isn’t it. Whatever happened to camaraderie and care for soldiers.

I also couldn’t understand why logic or reason didn’t play a part in the army. In the army, 1 + 1 was 3. No argue. I understood how the army worked. There was no questioning, but it wasn’t me who didn’t understand, it was my mind who couldn’t compute.

So, I cracked. Everything just flowed out like as if a dam broke. I think no one in camp knew how much I was suffering. Being ill both physically and mentally at the same time while being tested to the limits was excruciating.

So, everything that I had stored in within myself all these years, I vaulted them out too. I began to do some soul-searching and with a little help from the people around me who well, were oblivious to all my pent up emotions all these while, I started to ease myself and I’m not starting to find my way back on my journey.

It’s going to be a tough journey. After so much confusion, all the anguish in my past entries, all my bliss and joy, I’ve began to understand the significance between good and bad and how great humans who have walked the earths fall and stand up again. Yes, life’s too short to complain about. I’m going to be man.

Well, I don’t really think everybody or perhaps anybody has read until here so far, but if you do, thank you. I just want to pose a question to my readers, if you’re a teenager, have you decided clearly of what you’re going to do in lifer and how you’re going to do it? If you did, then good, if you haven’t you’d better do it soon before it gets too late, or worse, become what I was.

It’s high time you took control of life and don’t merely let fate, religion or what society tell you what to do. All they can do is influence you. You live own life godamnit! You have nobody to answer for, maybe except your parents so what I’m also trying to say is, think about your future as how you yourself want it to be. Don’t think of practicality, think of your passion. Keep your dreams pure and went you get swayed from your journey, fight it back hard. Just give it all your might, no one and no one can tell you what to do! And, if you’ve realized that, you’ll have nothing to worry about.

NS is the beginning of a new phase in my life. Yes, I’ve had a lot of bumps along the way. I’ve faced trivial situations alongside life-altering ones. I’ve seen a lot but there’s still so much more in life I’ve yet to experience. I’m going to start to challenge myself. I’ll give any problem that comes my way a shot. I won’t evade them or engage them half-heartedly and regret at the end of the day, because my goal is clear. At the end of the day, there is only one destination and I’ll get there no matter what.

So, to all my dear friends who are experiencing a low time in your life, or whenever you feel that things are not going your own way, close your eyes and reflect, think of yourself as that starling that’s shimmering ever so brightly in the darkness of space. You are your own story and adventure, so you decide how you’re going to live your life.

I know my parents will read this entry, so, thank you guys for all the guidance you’ve imparted to me and the sacrifice you’ve made for me. I am eternally gratefully for that and I won’t fail you in life.

Watch out world, I’m coming your way!
Ok, ok, one step at a time...

(because i really believe there's still some good left in this world)

note: omg, after re-reading my entry, i just realized how cheesy and long-winded i can get while i'm in blogging-mode. haha, but that's just me. i'll keep the entry this way. no editing.
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